As someone who speaks with parents and teenagers almost every day, I've noticed something that comes up far too often.
Across eight years working in education, coaching, therapy support and now youth mentoring, I've learned to approach young people with patience, honesty and compassion. Most things outside my control don't frustrate me easily.
But one thing does stay with me: when parents label their children.
The Labels We Reach For
Lazy. Unmotivated. Difficult.
“He just can't focus.” “She never follows through.”
These labels often become the lens through which a teenager is seen, at home, at school, and eventually, by themselves.
Looking for What They Can Do
When I work with a young person, I try to start somewhere else. Instead of focusing on what they can't do, I look for what they can do, or at the very least, what they want to do.
Because most teenagers actually want more than we realise. They want to try new things. They want space to breathe. They want to make their parents proud. They want to show up and give their best effort.
But sometimes the focus at home becomes the negatives, the C on the report card instead of the A, the detention instead of the moment they stood up for what was right.
I understand why parents do this. You care deeply. You want the best for your child. But there's something important to remember: Your teenager is not a younger version of you. They are a completely different person, living a completely different life, growing up in a completely different world.
Young people are heavily shaped by the environment around them. If they see resilience, patience, confidence and curiosity modelled around them, they learn those things. If they're surrounded by frustration, criticism and constant pressure, they learn that too.
A Story From Mentoring
I remember meeting one family for the first time. During our initial conversation, the teenager barely spoke. Head down, shoulders hunched, quiet the entire time.
In our first session, we always go and move, it could be bouldering, the gym, or just a walk, just the two of us. And almost every time, something shifts.
Within ten minutes he was standing taller, talking more freely, opening up about school, friendships and the things he actually cared about. Once he stepped outside the environment he was used to, a different version of him appeared.
We started trying new activities together. Gym sessions, beach walks, conversations about friendships and social challenges. Some days we pushed each other hard. Other days we just talked. Sometimes we were serious. Sometimes we were silly. But slowly, momentum started to build.
Of course there were still moments where he felt flat or unsure. That's normal for any teenager. The difference was that he now had someone in his corner. Someone to encourage him. Challenge him. Listen.
Sometimes he'll send a simple message: “Nick, I went to the beach by myself today.” Those small steps matter more than people realise.
Four Questions Worth Asking
When things feel off, I'll often ask a few simple questions:
- How long have you been scrolling for today?
- When was the last time you moved your body?
- When was the last time you spent time with a friend?
- Have you been outside this week?
Often those answers explain more than any label ever could.
Leading With Curiosity
So instead of labelling teenagers, try leading with curiosity.
You may feel like you already know them well, but you don't always see the environment they're in every day, the thoughts in their head, or how your words are landing.
Ask them how they're going. Ask if they want help. Ask if they want advice. And sometimes, instead of asking anything at all, just go for a walk. Cook together. Move. Listen.
Often that's where the real conversations begin.
A Note for Parents
If any of this sounds familiar, you're not doing anything wrong, and neither is your teenager. Sometimes the most useful support isn't more pressure, it's another trusted adult in their corner.
